Technoid laced with Vodka

Chickpops

2008-07-07T10:35:00.000-05:00

Govenor

2008-07-07T10:25:00.002-05:00

Under the table

2008-07-07T10:23:00.002-05:00

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned.

Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman,

"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

"

The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door.

"

Disturbed, you are...

2007-12-11T18:05:00.000-06:00

Today is International Disturbed People's Day

Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend... Just as I've done.

I don't care if you lick windows,
Take the special bus
Or occasionally pee on yourself...
You hang in there sunshine, you're frigging special.

Something someone sent me...

2007-12-11T18:04:00.000-06:00

A woman and a man

2007-12-02T11:58:00.000-06:00

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
> Monday morning; it's a bad one.
> Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them
> are hurt.. God works in mysterious ways.
>
> After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
> drivers; the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
> Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This
> must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together
> in peace for the rest of our days".
>
> Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
> must be a sign from God! But your still at fault...women shouldn't be
> allowed to drive."
>
> The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
> completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants
> us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
>
> Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
> opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
> The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cork back on, and hands
> it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
>
> The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
>
> MORAL OF THE STORY:
>
> Women are clever, evil bitches.
> Don't mess with us.

Just the right angle.....

2007-06-22T09:58:00.000-05:00

The BEST....

2007-06-22T09:31:00.000-05:00

BEST GOOGLE AD:
BEST PLEA FOR A TICKET TO THE SUGAR BOWL:
BEST T-SHIRT DESIGN:
BEST LEVI'S AD:
BEST HAIR-PRODUCT AD:
BEST REFRIGERATOR MAGNET:
BEST BEFORE-AND-AFTER:
BEST QUEEN OF THE BLONDES:

And the winner is......

2007-06-22T09:27:00.000-05:00

The winner

of the?

"It's Not My Job" Award

for 2006?

goes to ....?

?

?

?

?

Sadly, the competition was fierce, but a winner has been chosen.?

Tattoo

2007-06-22T09:26:00.000-05:00

For a good time.....

2007-06-22T09:25:00.001-05:00

Different styles...but it's still Yoga

2007-06-22T09:24:00.001-05:00

What does your father do?

2007-06-22T09:23:00.001-05:00

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for
a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman,
salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. But little Justin was being
uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his
father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes
off his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some
guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask
him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works
for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the
Nomination of Hillary Clinton in 2008, but I was too embarrassed to say that
in front of the other kids."

RIP Anna Nicole Smith

2007-06-22T09:22:00.001-05:00

Superbowl Summed Up in One Photo

2007-06-22T09:21:00.001-05:00

More Chalk Drawings from Julian Beever

2007-06-22T08:27:00.000-05:00

You know your ghetto when your baby looks like this..

2007-06-22T08:23:00.001-05:00

4 stages of life

2007-06-22T08:21:00.001-05:00

2007-06-22T08:16:00.000-05:00

On Jeopardy the other night

2007-06-22T07:56:00.000-05:00

O n Jeopardy the other night, the final question was How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the tomb of the Unknowns ------ All three missed it ---

This is really an awesome sight to watch if you've never had the chance Very fascinating.

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

1. How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the

tomb of the Unknowns and why?

21 steps. It alludes to the twenty-one gun salute, which is the

highest honor given any military or foreign dignitary.

2. How long does he hesitate after his about face to begin his

return walk and why?

21 seconds for the same reason as answer number 1

3. Why are his gloves wet?

His gloves are moistened to prevent his losing his grip on the

rifle.

4. Does he carry his rifle on the same shoulder all the time

and if not, why not?

He carries the rifle on the shoulder away from the tomb.

After his march across the path, he executes an about face

and moves the rifle to the outside shoulder.

5. How often are the guards changed?

Guards are changed every thirty minutes,

twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year.

6. What are the physical traits of the guard limited to?

For a person to apply for guard duty at the tomb, he must be

between 5' 10" and 6' 2" tall and his waist size cannot exceed 30." Other

requirements of the Guard: They must commit 2 years of life to guard the

tomb, live in a barracks under the tomb, and cannot drink any alcohol on

or off duty for the rest of their lives. They cannot swear in public for the

rest of their lives and cannot disgrace the uniform {fighting} or the tomb in

any way. After two years, the guard is given a wreath pin that is worn on

their lapel signifying they served as guard of the tomb. There are only

400 presently worn. The guard must obey these rules for the rest of their

lives or give up the wreath pin.

The shoes are specially made with very thick soles to keep the heat

and cold from their feet. There are metal heel plates that extend to the

top of the shoe in order to make the loud click as they come to a halt.

There are no wrinkles, folds or lint on the uniform. Guards dress for duty

in front of a full-length mirror.

The first six months of duty a guard cannot talk to anyone, nor

watch TV. All off duty time is spent studying the 175 notable people laid

to rest in Arlington National Cemetery . A guard must memorize who they are

and where they are interred. Among the notables are: President Taft, Joe

E. Lewis {the boxer} and Medal of Honor winner Audie Murphy, {the most

decorated soldier of WWII} of Hollywood fame.

Every guard spends five hours a day getting his uniforms ready for

guard duty.

ETERNAL REST GRANT THEM O LORD, AND LET PERPETUAL LIGHT SHINE UPON THEM.

In 2003 as Hurricane Isabelle was approaching Washington , DC , our

US Senate/House took 2 days off with anticipation of the storm. On the ABC

evening news, it was reported that because of the dangers from the

hurricane, the military members assigned the duty of guarding the Tomb of

the Unknown Soldier were given permission to suspend the assignment. They

respectfully declined the offer, "No way, Sir!" Soaked to the skin,

marching in the pelting rain of a tropical storm, they said that guarding

the Tomb was not just an assignment, it was the highest honor that can be

afforded to a serviceperson. The tomb has been patrolled continuously,

24/7, since 1930.

US MILITARY PREPARES FOR DEMOCRAT CUTBACKS

2007-06-22T07:54:00.001-05:00

The Inheritance

2007-06-22T07:53:00.001-05:00

When John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly Father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

This illustrates how much we've become dependent on our computers.

2007-06-22T07:52:00.000-05:00

Are you male or female?

For the answer, look down.

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Not here, Dumbass

Quote

2007-06-22T07:51:00.001-05:00

INspirational

2007-06-22T07:49:00.000-05:00

I rarely show INSPIRATIONAL stuff but this got to me.................

12 signs you had too much to drink

2007-06-21T17:45:00.000-05:00

or rather 12 signs to show you can't handle your drink as much as your mates, and your mates are complete W&%*^%s!

Rich rednecks!

2007-06-21T17:43:00.000-05:00

"True Friendship"

2007-06-21T17:42:00.002-05:00

(With none of that Sissy Crap!!!!)
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-
just the stone cold truth of our friendship.
1 When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask?, "Because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to "all 10" of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of four!!! (don't send it back to me...I don't want to hear it!!!) And remember....when life hands you Lemons, get some tequila and salt and call me

BIRTHDAY REMEMBRANCE

2007-06-21T17:42:00.001-05:00

This week we celebrate a special birthday: Monica Lewinsky turned 31. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don't they?

Western Australia

2007-06-21T17:40:00.000-05:00

NOT SURE IF THIS IS REAL BUT WHOA!

This picture is from Western Australia. Take a careful look at this picture; see the size of the snake and the Cow being pulled out of the water.

When helmets make NO sense!

2007-06-21T17:37:00.001-05:00

Actual Newspaper Headlines

2007-01-11T09:47:00.001-06:00

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Some are just slips of the tongue

* Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
* Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
* Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
* House passes gas tax onto senate
* Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
* Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
* William Kelly was fed secretary
* Milk drinkers are turning to powder
* Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
* Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
* Farmer bill dies in house
* Iraqi head seeks arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive

* Queen Mary having bottom scraped
* Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
* Prostitutes appeal to Pope
* Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
* NJ judge to rule on nude beach
* Child's stool great for use in garden
* Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
* Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
* Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines

* Eye drops off shelf
* Squad helps dog bite victim
* Dealers will hear car talk at noon
* Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
* Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
* Miners refuse to work after death
* Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
* Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

* Never withhold herpes from loved one
* Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
* Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
* Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious

* If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
* War dims hope for peace
* Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
* Cold wave linked to temperatures
* Child's death ruins couple's holiday
* Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
* Man is fatally slain
* Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
* Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

A brief history of Time

2007-01-10T11:30:00.000-06:00

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst forthe splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and 2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.

That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing.

This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.

The rest became known as girliemen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, grouphugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.

Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat redmeat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before clicking the "Email This Post" button below and forwarding on to friends.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be clicking the "Email This Post" link below to forward immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

Texans

2007-01-10T11:19:00.000-06:00

A guy from Houston dies and goes to hell. He had been a horrible man all his life.

The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer.
To make it even worse, he cranks up the temperature and humidity.

After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he
is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Houstonian is
happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.

The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this! I've
turned the heat way up, it's humid and you're crushing rocks. Why
are you so happy?"

The Houstonian, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies,
"This is great! It reminds me of August in Houston. Hot, humid,
and a good place to work. It reminds me of home.
This is fantastic!" The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to
ponder the Houstonian's remarks. He then decides to drop the
temperature, send down a driving rain, and torrential winds.

Soon, hell is a wet, muddy mess.

Walking in mud up to his knees with rain blowing in his eyes, the
Houston man is happily slogging through the mud pushing a
wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.

Again, the devil asks how he can be so happy in such awful conditions.
The man, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is
great! It's just like April in Houston. It reminds me of home. This is
fantastic!" Now the devil is completely baffled. He is more
determined than ever to make the man suffer. He then makes the
temperature plummet. Suddenly,
hell is blanketed in 10 feet of snow and ice.

Confident that this will finally make the Houstonian unhappy, he
checks in on him again. He is again aghast at what he sees! The guy
is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in
utter glee. "How can you be so happy? Don't you know it's 40 below screams the devil.

Jumping up and down the man throws a snowball at the devil and
yells,"HELL IS FROZEN OVER!!

This means the Texans are going to the playoffs!!
zero?" screams the devil.

Jumping up and down the man throws a snowball at the devil and
yells,"HELL IS FROZEN OVER!!

This means the Texans are going to the playoffs!!"

The first deployable directed energy weapon

2007-01-05T10:28:00.000-06:00

"You've just been hit with a new nonlethal weapon that has been certified for use in Iraq -- even though critics argue there may be unforeseen effects."

Full Story Here..

Redneck Pick up Lines

2007-01-05T09:00:00.000-06:00

1) Did you fart?

cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?

cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .

I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?

cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?

cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel,

I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,

but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,

but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?

I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,

we kin sleep til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,

every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

Attack of the anit-spammers!

2006-11-21T15:24:00.000-06:00

OK I'm sick and tired of this. thestanleygroup.com has decided to send me lots and lots of SPAM!

So here is their phone,EMAIL and address.
Be sure to write them and tell them how you feel about spammers.

http://thestanleygroup.com/
Stanley Montz Broker & Owner The Stanley Group 12515 Kluge Rd, Cypress, Tx 77429
Phone: 281-320-0075 Fax: 281-320-9466
stanmontz@thestanleygroup.com

Hey STANLEY, lick my BALLZ!

Stress Management...;p

2006-10-12T20:28:00.000-05:00

Stress Management

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a
glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?"

Answers called out ranged from 8oz. to 20oz.

The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends
on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a
problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case,
it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we
carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes
increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on.
As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest
before holding it again.
When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down.
Don't carry it home.
You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let
them down for a moment if you can. Relax; pick them up later after
you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!"

And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the
statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat
them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the
middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their
Maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
* Never buy a car you can't push.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you
won't have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world
to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and
some are dull, Some have weird names , and all are different colors, but
they all have to live in the same box.
" A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

t-shirt slogans pt 1

2006-10-12T20:18:00.000-05:00

You never know how kids will see things ;p

2006-10-07T00:03:00.001-05:00

STORY OF ELIJAH

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining
the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets
of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the
altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces,
and laid it upon the altar.
And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill
four barrels of water and
pour it over the altar. He had them do this four
times "Now, said the teacher,
"can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would
have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving
her hand, "I know! I know!"
she said, "To make the gravy!"

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's
wife looked back and turned
into a pillar of salt, when little Jason
interrupted, "My Mummy looked back
once, while she was driving," he announced
triumphantly, "and she turned into a
telephone pole!"

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the
story of the Good
Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and
left for dead. She described
the situation in vivid detail so her students would
catch the drama. Then, she
asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the
roadside, all wounded and
bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little
girl broke the hushed silence,
"I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think
Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No,"
replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We
have been learning how powerful kings and queens were

in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can
anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"

MOSES &THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he
had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher

told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on
a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of
Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army

build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked
across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for
reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow
up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really
what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told
it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young
class memorize one of the most
quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the
youngsters a month to learn
the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task --
but, he just couldn't
remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could
barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite
Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was

so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the
microphone and said proudly,
"The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

Church Smiles

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an
old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country. "Is there
anything breakable in here?"
asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments,"
answered the lady.

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up
to an Amish carriage. The
owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of
humor, because attached to the
back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs
on oats and grass."

Stress Management

2006-10-07T00:03:00.000-05:00

Requiem for a Dream meets Toy Story 2. There's a sentence I never imagined I would type. - CollegeHumor video

2006-10-06T23:59:00.000-05:00

Requiem for a Dream meets Toy Story 2. There's a sentence I never imagined I would type. - CollegeHumor video

HAPPY HINEYWEEEEEEEN!

2006-10-06T23:00:00.000-05:00

Todays Funny

2006-10-06T22:58:00.000-05:00

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not all that experienced either. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress her.

She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want try someting I hear about... numbaa 69".

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries..."You want... chicken wiff broccowee?!"

The Dead Goldfish

2006-10-06T22:56:00.000-05:00

The TWiT Netcast Network with Leo Laporte

2006-10-06T14:33:00.000-05:00

For a great podcast, or as Leo now calls em', 'netcast' try this site. People, podcasting has nothing to do really with Apple or iPods.

The TWiT Netcast Network with Leo Laporte

For the man who has everything...;p

2006-07-28T11:22:00.000-05:00

What should you do?

2006-07-28T11:12:00.000-05:00

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer below*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round

God Bless America......

2006-07-27T16:21:00.000-05:00

>
>Here's a quote from a government employee who
>witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly
>woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro (subway)
>station in DC:
>
>"There were protesters on the train platform handing
>out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely
>declined to take one.
>
>"An elderly woman was behind me getting off the
>escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered
>her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
>
>"The young protester put her hand on the old woman's
>shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft
>voice said, 'Lady, don't you care
>about the children of Iraq?'
>
>"The old woman looked up at her and said, 'Honey, my
>father died in France during World War II, I lost my
>husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three
>died so you could have the right to stand here and bad
>mouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick
>this umbrella up your ass and open it."
>
>~God Bless America~

HELLoooooo!

2006-07-27T16:13:00.000-05:00

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:
IF YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?
IF YOU HAD NO WORRIES?
IF YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU?
IF YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?
IF YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?
IF YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?
SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?

**

**

**

**

**

HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!
YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG FUCKING HOUSE

Tylenol

2006-07-27T15:39:00.000-05:00

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

I hit the dog!

2006-07-27T13:23:00.000-05:00

From a divorced friend ;p

2006-07-27T13:14:00.000-05:00

>A HUSBAND AND WIFE ARE SITTING QUIETLY IN BED READING WHEN THE WIFE
>LOOKS OVER AT HIM AND ASKS THE QUESTION...

>WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
>HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

>WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
>HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

>WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
>HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

>WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
>HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

>WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
>HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

>WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
>HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

>WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
>HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

>WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
>HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

>WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
>HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

>WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
>HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

>WIFE: --- dead silence ---
>HUSBAND: "Oh-sh*t."

Backhoe bridge....

2006-07-27T13:11:00.000-05:00

Question: A Backhoe weighing 8 tons is on top of a flatbed trailer and heading west on Interstate 20 from Shreveport, Louisiana to Dallas, Texas. The extended shovel arm is made of hardened refined steel and the approaching overpass is made of commercial-grade concrete, reinforced with 1/2 inch steel rebar spaced at 6 inch intervals in a crisscross pattern layered at 1 foot vertical spacing.

Solve: When the shovel arm hit the overpass, how fast was the driver going. (Assume no effect for wind and no braking by the driver)

Extra Credit: Solve for the time and distance required for the entire rig to come to a complete stop after hitting the overpass at the speed you calculated above.

Answer: It doesn't matter, the trucking company just bought themselves a bridge.

This is just wrong..;p

2006-07-27T13:04:00.000-05:00

They're Off to See The Wizard!

2006-07-19T15:51:00.000-05:00

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado.
and off they whirled to the land of OZ.

They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.
" What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said:
"I've come for some courage."

" No Problem! said the Wizard. Who ' s next? "

Richard Nixon stepped forward,
"Well, I think I need a heart."

"Done! says the Wizard.

Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped Dubya and said,

"I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."

"No problem! said the Wizard.

Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,

But he doesnt say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,

"Well, what do you want?"

"IS DOROTHY HERE?"

MS Word 2003 Easter Egg

2006-07-19T15:35:00.000-05:00

Put this in a word document and hit enter and watch.

= rand (200,99)

Must be done in Word 2003

Polar Bear Attack in the High Arctic..Pix pt. 2

2006-07-19T15:32:00.000-05:00

See Just below first for the story and first set of pix.

Polar Bear Attack in the High Arctic..One Tough Camper!

2006-07-19T15:24:00.000-05:00

This is from up in the Yukon, this chap is lucky to be alive. The guy survived the bear attack. The bear jumped on him while he was sleeping in his tent and he managed to get it off of him and shoot it .

One tough camper!

Hot Diggity Dog....Redneck Style ;-p

2006-07-19T15:19:00.000-05:00

Anybody want a burger?

2006-07-14T14:45:00.000-05:00

Quit complaining about YOUR job!

2006-07-14T14:14:00.000-05:00

I'd hit it!

2006-07-14T14:10:00.000-05:00

Tragedy!

2006-07-14T14:08:00.000-05:00

Cards for men..

2006-07-13T14:22:00.000-05:00

Signs 2 live bye....;p

2006-07-13T14:00:00.000-05:00

How to Tell the sex of a Fly

2006-07-13T13:31:00.000-05:00

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Love them rednecks....

2006-07-13T13:20:00.000-05:00

toonz

2006-05-22T14:41:00.000-05:00

The real Brokeback Mountain

2006-05-22T14:26:00.000-05:00

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew
very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other an ex-con.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the ex-con.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was
doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired
hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You
should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One
o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock, and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she
directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly
by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he
slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired."

The Bathtub Test

2006-05-22T14:20:00.000-05:00

The Bathtub Test
>>
>> It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from
>>time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the
>>mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which
>>defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
>>
>> "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then
>>we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or
>>her to empty the bathtub."
>>
>> "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
>>would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
>>
>> "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull
>>the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Hillary Clinton!

2006-05-17T09:23:00.000-05:00

Ever See this family?

2006-05-17T09:18:00.000-05:00

TShirts5

2006-05-17T09:11:00.000-05:00

TShirts5

2006-05-17T09:05:00.000-05:00

TShirts4

2006-05-17T09:01:00.000-05:00

Tshirts3

2006-05-17T08:55:00.000-05:00

TShirts2

2006-05-17T08:53:00.000-05:00

TShirts1

2006-05-17T08:49:00.000-05:00

Does Evil Exist?

2006-05-15T13:51:00.000-05:00

Love this student's retort to his atheistic professor. Wonderful & useful logic when witnessing to know-it-all nonbelievers.

Did God create everything that exists? Does evil exist? Did God create evil?

A University professor at a well known institution of higher learning challenged his students with this question. "Did God create everything that exists?"

A student bravely replied, "Yes he did!"

"God created everything?" The professor asked.

"Yes sir, he certainly did," the student replied.

The professor answered, "If God created everything; then God created evil. And, since evil exists, & according to the principle that our works define who we are, then we can assume God is evil."

The student became quiet & did not respond to the professor's hypothetical definition. The professor, quite pleased with himself, boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the religious faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand & said, "May I ask you a question, professor?"

"Of course," replied the professor.

The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?"

"What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?"

The other students snickered at the young man's question. The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat.
Everybody or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, & heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460F) is the total absence of heat; & all matter becomes inert & incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."

The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?"

The professor responded, "Of course it does."

The student replied , "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact, we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors & study the various wave lengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness & illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is?
You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct?
Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"

Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course, as I have already said. We see it
everyday. It is in the daily examples of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime & violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist, sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness & cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God.
God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat, or the darkness
that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

The young man's name--Albert Einstein A true story.

Little ole lady and $20 bills

2006-05-15T13:50:00.000-05:00

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game; a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: "$20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

The Preacher

2006-05-15T13:48:00.000-05:00

The Preacher explains that he must move on to a large congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and
proclaims: "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the preacher stays, I will give him sex,"

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said......"Screw the Preacher."

My New Friend!

2006-05-15T09:41:00.000-05:00

My New Friend

I was feeling a bit lonely so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, I finally bought a talking Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I asked the centipede in the box:"Would you like to go down the Fox and Hounds with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer. This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again:

"How about going to the pub for a drink?"

But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet. So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting:

"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Fox and Hounds and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f***ing shoes on!"

Canada's National Tower!

2006-05-15T09:10:00.000-05:00

The CN Tower-Canada's National Tower , is the tallest building the world.
It measures 553 meters(1,815 feet). Here's a great picture of it.

Fatherly Advice! ;p

2006-05-12T15:32:00.000-05:00

Assicon's

2006-05-12T15:31:00.000-05:00

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)
:-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

Two Fleas!

2006-05-12T15:27:00.000-05:00

Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami
for a vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's all blue, shivering and

shaking, damn near froze to death!

The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from Wyandotte in the mustache

of a biker on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel.

Try what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks.

While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and

nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I

can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try

next winter.

A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is all

blue, and shivering and shaking again. Damn near froze to death.

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said...... I went to

the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young

stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so

nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.

When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the biker on the Harley!"

Calculator

2006-05-12T15:24:00.000-05:00

A teacher asks her students if any of them can use the word Calculator in a sentence. A girl raises her hand and says,"When I do my math, I use my calculator to check it." "Very good", the teaches says. Another student raises his hand and uses the word in a sentence.
Then Pepito raises his hand and says," When I eat pollo,frijoles, and tamales, I do caca-later.

A Great Way to start your day!!!

2006-05-12T15:21:00.000-05:00

A Great Way to start your day!!!
*******************************************************
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final exam.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

19 If it's t rue that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

22. If! a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

23.Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells
"THEIRS"?

Good

2006-05-12T15:18:00.000-05:00

GOOD
In Richardson, Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!" The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball." He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There w as a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

Geico

2006-05-12T15:13:00.000-05:00

Now Where can I Find That Damn Duck????

Currency Fluctuations

2006-05-12T15:06:00.000-05:00

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. The person in front of me in the line was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated. He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller replies, "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

Another Redneck has won the lottery..

2006-05-12T15:03:00.000-05:00

Why Rednecks Are Not Paramedics........

2006-05-05T14:13:00.000-05:00

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just

take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's

make sure he's dead."

There is a silence... and then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

ATT

2006-05-05T13:34:00.000-05:00

6 die in tragic accident...gruesome!

2006-05-05T13:26:00.000-05:00

HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE?

2006-05-05T13:22:00.001-05:00

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue as to what had just happened.

THREE

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a
credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked."No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT

Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

Quote

2006-05-05T13:22:00.000-05:00

NO matter what your political orientation is, you have to admit that this is funny.

Quote attributed to Chris Rock:

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, and the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese.
The Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the US of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush,' 'Dick,' and 'Colon.' Need I say more?"

Texans in the "After Life"

2006-05-05T13:19:00.000-05:00

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some
Texans up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly
gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes,
their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my
children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute."

The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for
you?"

Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're
having down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm
back. Now what was the question?"

Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said ,
"I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those damn Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

TGIF

2006-05-05T11:10:00.000-05:00

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with

a bright, "T-G-I-F ."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, "'T-G-I-F' means

'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it.... duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."